Hello lovelies! I apologize for my long absence but a lot of things have been going on since I last posted on my blog and I'm getting a strong urge to write, so here I am. If you follow me on social media, you know that I recently moved to LA to pursue my education in the fashion industry. Now, you're probably wondering why this has anything to do with the title of this post, so I'm going to tell you why!
About 3 years a go I went through my first real break up that left me feeling emotionally and mentally drained. Not long after that I found out I had to get pacemaker surgery due to a heart condition that couldn't be controlled with medication. After that, I was in a place in my life that I couldn't seem to get out of. It seemed like I was on an extremely hilly roller coaster that I couldn't get off of. This went on until this past April. Yes, the year of 2016 was when I finally found myself for the first time in a long time. Prior to that time, I tried to find happiness in so many things, relationships, activities, material items, and unhealthy habits that I wasn't recognizing that were unhealthy. I was in a dark place and I didn't know how to get out of it and it was driving me nuts. I wanted so bad to feel truly happy again but I knew even when I felt happy, that I wasn't in the happy state that I was really desiring. In April, my grandma, with whom I'm extremely close too, under went surgery to remove cancer. In April, I decided that spending my summer with her before moving across the state was the best decision for me. In April, I got my puppy Luna, whom has saved me in so many ways that she will never understand. This past summer I was left in what felt like a hovering period. I wanted to pursue different things but I didn't know how to go about it and I wasn't making them a priority. The main one being that I had felt like I had wondered off my path with God. It bothered me so much but I never did anything about it. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you. My best guess might be that I didn't know where to start and felt like I wasn't worthy of God's love after living my life without him guiding me but I still always knew he'd take me back no matter how far I had wondered. On September 10, 2016 I made the great move to LA that I had been anticipating all summer. I truly didn't know what to expect. What if I didn't like it when I got there? What if I got too homesick? What if the school wasn't what I thought it be? There were so many questions rambling through my mind. My grandma and mom were here with me to begin with but everything seemed to shift after they left to go home. I was finally on my own in a brand new city, knowing not many people. Because I was alone and searching for a sense of not being alone, I began to hear God speak to me. It was the first time in a very long time, I actually just let him talk and I listened. I wanted to hear what he had to say and I was ready for it. I was ready to pursue him for myself. For my happiness and not to please anyone else. And let me tell you, wanting to pursue Jesus on my own was the best feeling I had ever had. It began with me opening up my bible and starting to read it. I didn't know where to start, so with a little help from the internet, I began my studying of the bible. It was beginning to change my perspective on why I was here in LA. I had also done some research on some churches near by because I knew I didn't want to lose myself in this big city. By chance, I met some wonderful girls who actually attended the church I was going to attend and they invited me to service with them. The night we went to church is a night I will never forget the rest of my life. The praise band began to sing and the tears began to fall. A pastor of the church began to talk about the sign out front that said "Welcome Home". It was in that moment that I knew I was home. That I had made the right decision on moving. That I was pursuing God's plan for me. I vowed on that day to continue to let The Lord guide me through life. I am living for him. I'm living to pursue the plan God has for me. Hillsong has completely changed my life, to the point where I've realized my worth on this planet. Yes, I did lose it but I got it back because I was ready to listen to God speak. So, for the first time in 3 years, I have found myself and it has been the best experience I could ever ask for. There's a song playing right in this moment from Hillsong's new album, which you should all listen too because it's AMAZING, and it's called As It Is (In Heaven) and every time they sing at church I feel such a deep connection deep inside my soul.
My point is, I know that everyone goes through a period in their life where they feel lost or broken or unwanted and I just want to remind you that you can be found, pieced back together, and you are wanted. God wants you! Just open your heart and your ears and listen and he will speak. I can promise you that. If I can come back from an immense amount of depression and anxiety, then I know you can too. This is for anyone out there that feels alone in their battle of a mental illness or just needs this and I just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As long as you have God, you're never alone and you can be found.
xoxo, tori
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see."
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see."
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